Friday, September 30, 2016

What Do I Do Now?


Photo: September 30, 2011

seven months and ten days ago
i received the worst phone call of my life.
"hello. is this ms. spasov?" the doctor on the line asked, mispronouncing my name.
"yes," i responded, not bothering to correct him.
"i'm so sorry to tell you, your mother passed away."
my stomach sank
and i asked the only question i could think to ask:
"what do i do now?"

it's been seven months and ten days
and i don't understand grief any better.
i still feel arbitrary pangs of suffocating guilt and sadness,
like accidentally touching an exposed wire,
i never expect it.

seven months and ten days ago
i wasn't thinking about the things that concern me now.
i never thought about the milestones
she wouldn't be there to see.

it's been seven months and ten days
and when i come across photos of her,
i stare.
i study her face like i've never seen it before
because i'll never see it again.

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